First, let me say that IOU an entry about NYE. As I'm short on time today but desperately need to journal, that one's going to have to wait.

So, here's my entry on last weekend... just in time for this weekend to roll out the red carpet for me.

Last weekend was by far the saddest hospice weekend I've encountered over the past year of me doing this kind of work. Because of the intensity of the emotions involved and the fact that this may be a topic I've covered a few times already, I'm going to try and keep this as brief as possible.

Last week Friday, I did something I don't often do during the week. I checked my work blackberry to look at the "Weekend Report" sent out by the office. While it hadn't been sent yet, I did get an email regarding one of the patients in the hospital that I'd be working with over the weekend. There was much discussion amongst our staff on what the best practice would be for this patient, ethically and morally speaking. Because of the dynamics involved, I started preparing myself for what could possibly turn into a pretty intense Saturday.

Saturday morning arrived and I touched base with the triage nurse in the office as soon as my shift began. We laid out a plan for my day and off I went to the hospital. My first patient, the one I had been preparing myself for, was only 27 years old. After weeks of being in a nonresponsive state following the injuries she sustained from a car accident, her parents decided to discontinue all "aggressive treatments" that were keeping her body alive. Thankfully the patient, unlike many people her/our age, had discussed her wishes regarding life support and end of life care with her parents prior to her accident. While her parents had done everything necessary to save her life, once it was determined by the patient's doctors that she would not survive her injuries, they made the impossible decision to follow her wishes and let her go. That's where our hospice team came in.

I arrived on the unit with the intentions of supporting this family as they're daughter died following the removal of her last "aggressive treatment". It was expected that as soon as this form of treatment was removed that she would pass very quickly. However, as I walked up to the patients hospital room and noticed the door was shut and the blinds were closed, I knew she was already gone. My nurse, who had gotten there just 20 minutes before me, affirmed this to be true and stated that the patient had died just as she herself had walked onto the floor.

It's amazing how impeccable my timing often is. I can't even tell you how many times I've walked into a room to find that the patient I was arriving to see had died only moments ago.

Anyways, I did my thing and provided the support that I could to the family.

However, unlike most visits I make, this one was drastically different. Of course it had a lot to do with the patients age.... it isn't often that we have young people on our service (although, we have had three now in just the past 6 months). But that wasn't the only thing... there was more to it than that. I couldn't put my finger on it during the three hours I sat outside that patients room, waiting for other family to arrive so that I could be there to provide them with any support needed by me. (Inevitably, they didn't really want any. Could I blame them though? No. They were probably looking at me and thinking to themselves, "She's [insert patient's name here]'s age. How could she understand this?" Or they were angry because here I was, a walking and talking person their daughter's age, while she lay motionless in a bed. I get it. It was completely understandable.) However, after I arrived home that night, I realized why this case was really different from the rest.

For the first time in a long time, my heart was numb during this visit. While I sat outside her room for those three hours, I opened the blinds a few times to look in at her lifeless body. My heart felt empty as I looked at her laying so peacefully in that bed. I expected a rush of emotion but it just wasn't there. At the time I couldn't explain that.

Later though, I could.

Yes, this girl was my age. But she too had a young daughter at home... one she adored and loved on just as much as I love Liana. One she called "peanut", just as I call Liana. There were so many similarities to our story and while our lives seemed to be very different otherwise, that one connection was all I needed. For self preservation, my heart was numb during that visit. Afterwards however, was a very different story.

Saturday night was rough. Actually, it was hell. You could've wiped the floor with me that night and I wouldn't have known. I felt defeated, horrified, sad, lonely. I grieved that night.... something which I don't normally have to do. Yes, all deaths are sad, but you learn to maintain your "social work boundaries" very well while doing this job because if you don't, you won't make it in this line of work. I wouldn't be able to be a hospice social worker if I connected with each of my patients... it'd be too emotionally difficult and draining.  But this patient I connected with on a superficial level. Like I said, it wasn't on many levels, just on one, but that one level was enough.

All I could think about was how this little girl just lost the most important person in her life. How on top of losing her mom, she'd now be losing the grandparents she'd been raised with too. I thought about how her grandparents lost both their daughter and their grandchild all in such a short amount of time. About how empty that house will suddenly feel. About how today, that little girl woke up in a new home with a new family after moving in with her daddy who lives three hours away from the place she has always known as "home".  So many losses for one family to face. So many.

So, Saturday night was rough. After sitting on the couch for hours and allowing myself to think about this patient and her family non-stop, I finally decided I had to get up. I had to do something to distract myself. Hence, I took down all the Christmas decorations and completely reorganized the basement (and boy, was that a task). Mike, who'd been out for hockey, came home at 1130 to find me still up. We went to bed but I couldn't sleep. My mind couldn't think about anything else. The last time I looked at the clock it read 2:30 am.

Sunday came along. And just when I thought things could only get easier, they didn't.

Sunday morning we did a vent removal. The husband of this patient broke my heart... those elderly men who have been married for 60 years usually break my heart the most. Once the patient was off the ventilator, she held on for five hours before peacefully and comfortably passing into the arms of Jesus. While her husband broke my heart as he sat next to her bedside talking about how lonely he was going to be without her while also telling her how much he loved her, he knew from the bottom of his soul that he had made the right decision for her. He knew that life on a vent is not a life at all under these circumstances and faithfully he let her go. He encouraged her that he'd be okay and told her to go home to finally be with her mother and sisters in heaven. She did. It was amazing.

And during this visit there was one moment that I'll likely remember forever. The floor nurse taking care of this patient shared a story about how her mother had died while on the operating table during surgery. While her mother ended up surviving, she came back to tell her family about what death was like. She explained that she saw this beautiful white light and found herself in a flower garden with her father, who had long ago died. They walked together, hand in hand, and after some time her father turned to her and explained that she "had to go back" because it "wasn't her time". The nurse stated that her mother didn't want to come back because heaven was so beautiful. While the nurse said that her mother would have typically done anything to be with her children, heaven was so wonderful it made her forget about all the people she was leaving behind.

Hearing this story gave me hope and a renewed faith during a time in which I wasn't sure why God would take a young mother away from her young child. I'll touch back on the subject of faith in a little bit. But this visit was good for my hospice heart. It renewed my love for the work.

After my visit with this family ended, we received another referral. Once again, I felt like I got sucker-punched in the gut as I received my report from the triage nurse on the patient I was heading over to see. This patient, who was only 40 years old, was dying from AIDS & lymphoma. My nurse and I walked onto the floor and received a second report from the floor nurse who had been caring for the patient throughout the week. She explained that during the week the patient's mother had visited and gave her some unauthorized medications (we're not just talking Tylenol here, either) during her visit. When hospital staff became suspicious and the patient's brother requested a drug screen be run, they ran one and found her positive for the meds. The patient's brother, who had been her primary caregiver for the past year and had devoted his whole life to caring for his sister, was beside himself. (Actually, that's a serious understatement.) Since being given the meds, the patient had taken a significant turn for the worse and while it's still unknown whether the decline was because of the meds or because of something else, her brother feels that their mother has "killed" the patient and plans to pursue legal measures.

Obviously, this visit was very dramatic and intense. I was actually quite thankful to be able to put my social work skills to use on this one because I had felt pretty helpless all weekend when it came to providing support to the families I was working with. I sat with the patient and her brother and tried to work through his feelings of guilt and grief. He shared with me the patients story about how she got AIDS and why he's such a fierce protector of his sister. It all made sense. I looked at the woman laying in that bed and my heart ached for her.

No person deserves to be mistreated the way that she had been all her life. Her brother said during our visit, "Her entire life has been about pain."

This statement sent me reeling and left me feeling angry inside. I'm a faithful person, through and through. I may not attend Mass regularly, but I believe in God and in Jesus to the depths of my soul. I feel their love every day and am not naive to all the ways they've blessed my life. But why then, was this woman's life so painful? Why did she have to suffer so much? Why does any one person have to live 40 years of pain and hurt?

That's what I struggle with.

And while I became angry during this visit and even afterwards, that faithfulness didn't leave me. I don't know why He allowed so much pain in her life, but I hope there's a reason. A really good one.

Sunday night I was drained all over again. I walked into the house at 7:30 (my shift ends at 8) and hadn't even started my charting. I got through it as quickly as I could and went straight to bed around 10. Because I hadn't slept well the night before, I crashed that night.

Monday, I got right back up and went back to work. It was a much better day and by the end of it, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that without my faith, I couldn't do this work. How could I walk into a dying person's room each and every day if I didn't believe they were only beginning a journey that was more wonderful than anything else they've ever known? That with the end of one life comes another?

I couldn't. I believe that there's so much more beyond this life that we can't even possibly imagine. And that's what gets me through each and every one of my hospice days, no matter how bad they might be.

Last weekend was my saddest weekend yet but somehow, I came out of it feeling okay about life. Someday, when the loss is my own I realize it will be much, much harder to feel that way. But for now, I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the health of my family, the blessings in my life, and for my patients and their families because every day I go off to work I come home with a new or improved sense of purpose in life. While I may help them, they help me too.

What other job can provide me with that?

This year, hands down, was the best year of my life.

I didn't know if 2001 could be beat. Then I didn't know if 2006 could be beat.

But, 2009 creamed both of them. They couldn't even compare.

Yes, 2006 included one of the two happiest days of my life.... our wedding day. 

But, 2009 included 9 months and 1 week of pure joy in the form of Liana Grace. You just can't beat that!

So, here's a rundown of our year here in the Kadzban household and in the life of Haley. Happy New Years Everyone! (And happy nine years, Michael Anthony!)

January

Weeks 29-33 of our pregnancy. The nursery was finally finished. I had my first baby shower for Mike's side of the family. My Baker family lost our matriarch on 1.18 when Auntie Edna died.... a loss we're still feeling. Our final ultrasound of Baby K on was on 1.21 and we couldn't believe just how beautiful she was... and we hadn't even met her yet. January was full of anticipation, much impatience, discomfort (for me), and business (for Mike).

February

This was my month of preparation. Hospital bags were packed, we completed our Birth Education class, and I was impatient as ever. Kate gave birth to Lily on Friday the 13th, putting me into "impatience overdrive". Thankfully though, my patience was restored about a week after as I realized that these were the last few weeks Mike and I would ever have "pre-baby". For a while, I soaked that up. I had two more baby showers... one thrown by Megan and Mrs. Oostveen and one thrown by Brittany and my Mom. My weekly doctors appointments started to drive me crazy and I vowed I wouldn't step into that office again for as long as possible once this pregnancy business was over with. This month, Baby K became full term and I hoped that she wouldn't make it to the full 40 weeks. Pregnancy at this point was terribly uncomfortable.

March

March 2009....The most important month of my life. March 1st, my fb status read: "This month, I become a mommy!" I waited. And waited. I hoped every little thing going on my body meant that Baby K was coming. And boy, was there a lot going on!! The due date that I held to (don't forget, I was given four different dates over the course of my 9 months!) came on March 20 and because I was afraid of going into labor (or worse, my water breaking in a patients home) while on the job, I didn't work the weekend of the 21st and 22nd. Mike and I revelled in our last weekend together, even though I was probably a miserable person to be around by this point. But also this weekend, we finally chose Baby K's name. Mike finished with EGRHS hockey. The morning of the 23rd I started cramping but refused to believe that I was finally in labor... I couldn't handle any more disappointment by this point. I went to the mall with Rachel L. anyways and by 5pm, while at Target, I realized that my contractions were about 5 minutes apart and that maybe I should get home and call Mike. He came right home and I labored into the night. Finally, at 11 pm, my contractions were close enough together and we went to the hospital. Liana Grace Kadzban was born at 7:52 am on March 24th after nearly 20 hours of labor (and one wonderful epidural!). She weighed in at 5lbs, 15oz... just a peanut! Honestly, I don't remember much of the next few days/weeks because it was such a blur. Mike was home with us for a week but then went back to work... long before I was ready for him to. Rachel also gave birth to her little boy Graham, just two days after Liana came along. The end of the month brought much happiness to many important people in my life.

April

I was on maternity leave all month and it was wonderful to have weekends at home again. I felt ridiculously happy this month because of our newest arrival. We had our newborn photo session with Chad on April 4th. After a few weeks of feeling pretty confined, I ventured out into the world with a newborn. I'll never forget how scary those first trips were!! Also this month, my little sister finally graduated from GVSU with a degree in Behavioral Science and Criminal Justice.... I was so proud of her! Liana was baptized on April 19th and while it wasn't the day I had envisioned it to be, it was a big day for our little family of three.

May

Maternity leave came to a close on May 9th, the first Saturday I returned to work. That was a very tough day for this mama! Thankfully, it was a short weekend as the next day I was able to celebrate my first Mothers Day with Liana and my family. Liana went on her first overnight to my parent's this month, allowing for some rest in the Kadzban household after weeks of very little. Mike and I spent Memorial Day together on the golf course, something I thoroughly enjoyed. The end of May also brought upon a day we'd been dreading for about 9 months. While it was tough, once we got through it we knew things were officially over and were finally able to move on. But, also, the end of the month marked a wonderful day for our friends Linda and Jacob as they welcomed baby Isaac into the world!

June

Mike's first Fathers Day. My birthday... which was spent working a full 12 hour shift (that never happens). Kate and I took the first step in becoming "real" friends again (not just fb ones!) which made my heart so, so happy. This month had been one year since we moved into our home and since our lives changed so drastically. We bought a new car... a 2009 Saturn Vue (great timing, seeing as Saturn has since been discontinued huh?!). June was busy, plain and simple. Liana transitioned from her bassinet in our room to her nursery.... a harder change for me than it was for her. She also turned 3 months old. I was left here in GR while Mike, Liana, and my family left for a night in Traverse to celebrate my cousin's graduation. (Now that was a lonely feeling!!)

July

July 1st was our third anniversary and Michael and I celebrated with a night out, just the two of us. We had dinner at Bluewater Grille followed by drinks and a comedy show at The B.O.B. So much had changed between our 2nd and 3rd anniversary, which made it even more important to have some time alone to reflect on the past year. I worked on the 4th (which was awful) so we didn't get much family time on a day that's typically devoted to that. I really struggled with my job throughout this month as I felt that I missed out on so much. The 15th marked one year since the day we found out we were pregnant with Liana and I couldn't help but be reminded of that all day long. Also this month, Liana laughed out loud for the first time. :)

August

Liana turned 5 months old this month! After winning four tickets from work to the Tigers game for Sunday, August 9th, we invited Kate, Marty, and Lily to come along with us. So, Mike, Liana and I made the trip to visit the Kranz's and go to the game. This day was wonderful and my heart smiled all the way through it. Mike and I were both so nervous that it could potentially be awkward but it wasn't. Not at all. I loved seeing Mike and Marty together again like they used to be. Also, my coworker sufferred a massive heart attack on 8.16 (he's returning to work in january!!) and so I went from weekends only to full time this month.  For my little Liana, August was a month of changes. She went from sleeping through the night to waking again (boo!), had her first swimming lesson in the pool, her first trip to Lake Michigan (which she wasn't a fan of!), began eating solids, and rolled over for the first time! So many changes for one little girl!

September

Labor Day weekend started our month out right... we had our friends over here to celebrate with us and like always, things got a little crazy. The following weekend, Erik and Ashley had their "housewarming" party and we were again able to see our friends, though a different group of them. Mike began his 3rd year of coaching for EGRHS hockey. He also celebrated his 26th birthday on the 19th and while I had to work (because it was a Saturday), we were still able to have a nice lunch together and with our families (thank goodness for a slow Saturday!). The 26th brought upon the GVSU Iron Man Tournament and while I once again worked, I couldn't help but feel viciously frustrated. With friends coming into town from all over, I prayed that that day might be a slow one but instead, I was caught up in the hospital for nearly a full 12 hours. Kate, Marty, and Lily stayed with us the night of the 26th so at least I got to see them, but still it was a hard weekend for this girl. Once again, this month reminded of the downsides to working weekends and I had a difficult time dealing with my reality in that sense. Brittany turned 25 on the 27th and I couldn't believe my "little" sister wasn't so "little" anymore. Liana turned 6 months, sat alone for the first time this month and begins to "talk" to us leaving me full of smiles myself. :)

October

Liana's 6 month pictures are taken. K-Day Volume 3 is avoided this year, thanks to yours truly. The 19th marked my parents 30th wedding anniversary... a day worth celebrating! I continued working full time but this was coming a close... thankfully. Bauer turns 5 on the 20th. Halloween came around and proved to be a big day in my hospice career and for one of my uncle's and his family. Liana was the cutest little bumblebee ever, has started to "scooch" and gets her first tooth. She waves "bye bye" this month and turns 7 months old... I can't believe how the time flies!

November

I'm officially done working full time. Liana is teething in full force, making for an unhappy baby and a sometimes unhappy mama. Baby-proofing officially begins. Liana gets her first ear infection (dislike). Mike and I go out for Thanksgiving Eve with our friends and have a great time... I'm reminded all over again why I love them so. Our first Thanksgiving as a family of three is spent with my side of the family and is small, intimate, and just how I wanted it to be. After weeks of practicing, Liana crawls for the first time on the 30th with both Mike and I there to see it. So exciting!

December

A month of overnight changes. It seems everyday Liana is doing something new... in a matter of 4 weeks, she went from "creeping" to crawling to standing to walking (with her walker/doll stroller). My heart is beaming!! We make our first ever trip to IKEA and Liana pops her third tooth. I go to the Sullivan's Ugly Christmas Sweater Party on the 11th while Mike's out of town for hockey. Moose has been a part of our family for 2 years on the 8th. Christmas is wonderful and full of memories. I took the weekend of the 19th and 20th off to celebrate with our families and in turn have three full days with my little family of three, also. Kate and Lily come for a nice long visit... one of the best Christmas gifts I could've asked for. Rachel graduates from Ferris on the 19th. Most importantly.... I'm in love. With my daughter, my husband, our life. NYE marks nine years since the day Mike asked me to be his girlfriend. There's no one I would rather spend my life with.

I've got a happy post to share. :)

This week has been long... Liana and I have basically been stuck in the house for the last 72 hours. I'm not a fan of driving in the snow to begin with, let alone driving in the snow with a baby in the car and under less than perfect conditions. So, the last three days have been spent in the comforts of our home. Wednesday and Thursday we stayed in our comfy clothes all day and while I began to go a little nuts on Wednesday, desperately wanting some other interactions, Thursday was better. Maybe that's because there was a light at the end of my tunnel seeing as today is going to be a busy one. ;)

While three days stuck inside makes for a looong three days, I've been able to watch my daughter very closely this week. I've been able to see all the ways she's changing. That has kept a smile on my face more than anything. She's changing so much from day to day....

First of all, she's crawling all over the place. We have yet to fully baby-proof the house because Mike's been too busy with coaching to get the cupboard latches on in the kitchen. When my mommy friends told me that life gets really crazy and busy once your little one starts to creep, I only half-heartedly believed them. I figured, "she'll start to crawl but it'll be a while before she's roaming the house." HA! This kid is everywhere! I've already had to move the dog's food and water bowls because she thought doggy food=Liana food. (Sick.) She's become quite fond of the snowman I have sitting by the steps and in a matter of two minutes she'll have moved from the family room with me to sitting by her snowman. (I must admit though... there's nothing cuter than seeing her little diaper butt crawl. It's simply adorable.) Today she made her way over to the sliding door and was crouched up on her knees, with her hands against the window, looking out at all the snow we've gotten over the past few days. It was adorable and would've made the perfect Christmas card... had I known where my camera was! Last night, we heard cries coming from her nursery and Mike found her nearly standing in her crib already. Also, she now has this fascination with the dogs... a fascination that makes mommy nervous. Bauer, the dog I always thought would be so patient with our kids, has proven otherwise. If he even notices that she's coming his way, he "mumbles" (it's not quite a growl, but still puts me on edge) and heads the other way. Moose, however, has once again lived up to his loving and gentle nature. She "pets" him, plays with his paws, and pulls on his tail a little and what does he do? Cover the kid with kisses and looks to me like he's saying, "Mom, am I doing okay?!" He really loves her and while Mike and I always joked that Moose was going to be 'the kids dog', I can see that this is totally going to be the truth. That makes my heart happy. :)

Liana is also starting to pull herself up on stuff. While she hasn't made it to her feet yet, she pulls herself onto her knees. Again, this makes me nervous. Thankfully, she's no where near walking yet.... one milestone at a time, please! (Hopefully those words don't come back to bite me!)

She also has multiplied her "cuteness quotient" significantly with one new little thing... the cheesiest smile you'll ever see. She looks at me with those big blue eyes and give this huge, gummy smile (that includes just those bottom two front teeth, making it extra cheesy) that screams "aren't I cute mama?!" It's so ridiculous that I laugh every time I see it.

Best of all though, my little girl has finally become the cuddle bug I've been hoping for. Nothing melts my heart more than watching her crawl her way over to me, pull on my leg, and reach her hands up as if to say "mama, pick me up!". She loves to sit in our laps and watch her cartoons or her Baby Einstein videos. I think she's genuinely beginning to form a real attachment to both Mike and I... not that she hadn't before, but it wasn't outwardly displayed much. Now it is. Also, she's beginning to learn that near the end of the day, when the dogs run to the back door (because they've heard the garage door begin to open), it means Daddy is home. For the past two days, as soon as the dogs have done this, Liana's crawled over to the back hallway to meet her daddy too. When Mike opens that door her face lights up and she starts to squeal with joy. It's a wonderful thing to witness and it melts my heart. If he doesn't pick her up right away (because he usually washes his hands before he'll touch her... good daddy, huh?!) she immediately begins to fuss while sitting on the hallway floor, just waiting for him to come back to her. He always does and those fusses once again revert back to squeals of joy.

Her joy is my joy.

These moments are the moments every parent works towards and they are the moments that make it all worthwhile. All the sleepless nights, all the moments of frustration, all the things we've had to give up since becoming a parent (ie... our social lives, being able to go whereever whenever, etc.).

With Christmas right around the corner, this season is already one filled with joy. My daughter just adds to those feelings of joy ten-fold.

I just love her.

Almost every night before we fall asleep, Mike and I climb into bed and start talking about our reflections on the day, on our life, where we've been and where we're going. During our talk last night, this peace came over me. We've decided when we want baby #2 to make his/her entrance into this world and while sometimes it seems so far away, I realized last night that life doesn't slow down. The past 8 months with Liana have flown by so I find comfort in knowing that before I'll know it, the day will be here when we can announce that our second child is on the way.

Yesterday I caught myself wanting a "sneak peak" into our life and wondering if we'll be blessed with another little girl or a son. Either option makes my heart soar. I just can't wait to find out. :)

But until that day comes, Liana doesn't have to share her mommy and daddy. We're all hers and she is ours.

Life is so good as a family of three. Plus two dogs. ;)