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Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

  • Again.

    I love my job.... don't ever mistake that, even when I post entries like this one.

    But it's wearing on me these days.

    It feels like this summer has been exceptionally bad for our younger patients. I just received word that another of the patients I've worked with over the past few weeks has died. She was only in her 40s with two young daughters. This is the fourth young case this summer I've been involved with... but our agency has had so many more.

    So again, I struggle.

    I struggle to understand what this family is experiencing right now. She died just 3 short hours ago... how fresh those wounds are. I imagine that the walls of that house suddenly feel so much emptier...and after a long battle, her family may be just now beginning to truly understand how real this all was. I struggle to understand how God could let this happen. I struggle to cry, even though I can feel the tears welling up within me. I struggle because I know that this won't be the last time a young parent dies and because I know this won't be the last young family I work with.... even though I so desperately wish it was.

    I don't understand why the tears don't flow. I'm so nervous because I truly think that one day, all these deaths are going to hit me like a ton of bricks. "Compounded grief" isn't a good thing... that's why I wish I could just let it out now. But for some reason, I can't. And it reminds me of this quote from Grey's:

    "I am feeling the need to do some drinking. Actually, I'm feeling the need to do some crying, but my tear ducts seem to be too proud, so I am going to do some drinking instead." -Grey's Anatomy


    Don't worry... I'm not actually going to go and have a drink. But you get my point.

    This one also seems equally fitting:

    “Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.”


    Self care, here I come.


Monday, 23 August 2010

  • Sixteen months.

    Sixteen months has changed everything.

    For the first 15 months of my daughters life, she was a relatively easy kid. She entertained herself easily, managed to stay out of trouble, was pleasant and not too fussy, and she made me feel like parenthood wasn't as crazy as many people make it out to be.

    But over the course of the past 3 weeks, since she turned that fateful 16 months, life as I knew it has been turned upside down.

    Now don't get me wrong.... I still love her to the moon and back. She still melts this mama's heart.

    But, I'm exhausted.

    She's everywhere and into everything. Nothing is safe.... the toilets are now her favorite playground, she climbs all over everything, and she does not sit down! She's learning how to talk... which I once thought was an adorable thing. But suddenly, when one of her favorite sentences is "no!" I'm thinking twice about this milestone. As frustrating as it may be at times, she still makes me smile though when she says it because most of the time it's said in a context that doesn't even make sense.

    For example:
    "Liana, where's Lovey?"
    "No!"

    Hmmmm... okay then.

    But my favorite Liana-ism right now? "Ooooh Wooow." She says it so cute and so often and I smile every time. I'm not sure if she picked that up from me, but it's her new favorite sentence.

    The dogs are tormented. She thinks Moose is her step stool/chair and the poor guy gets mauled constantly. While Bauer's becoming more tolerant of her, he still gets snippy... but who can blame him when she's constantly running him over with stuff?

    Every morning, she wakes up and the first words out of her mouth are "Moosh" and "Bauer". Nevermind "Mommy" or "Daddy".... Mike and I definitely know where we stand in her eyes. She tells her boys to "Sit!" and calls for them when they're just not within eyesight.

    She's eating with a spoon and a fork and she's actually really good at it.

    We're up to 16 teeth now... apparently one for each month she's been born... and I'm praying that the back four molars hold off for a while yet. I've heard those are the worst and I'm not ready for my baby to be in that kind of pain just yet.

    Lovey is ragged and disgusting already and she was barely attached to it 4 months ago. We're down to just a few paci's in the house but not because we're slowly taking them away.... no, that would cause for far too much uproar (not to mention the only time my little one stays quiet is when one of those things are in her mouth) but because she carries them around with her wherever she goes and loses them along the way. I refuse to buy more, so hopefully we hang onto the last few survivors for a while longer!!

    Bedtime is now around 8pm and she doesn't go down like she once did. Now, we have a whole grand bedtime routine that consists of getting our jama's on, brushing our teeth (which is really just Liana sucking the toothpaste off the brush while Mike or I get a few good strokes in!), reading books, "blowing out" the light, and tucking our munchkin in. While she goes down quietly, within minutes she's squealing in her bed and she usually talks herself to sleep within 20-30 minutes. Naptime however? Still a dream. She goes upstairs, gets a diaper change, and goes down without a care in the world. On a good day she'll sleep about 3 hours... on a not-so-good day I get 1.5 hours to do my stuff around the house or lay down myself (God knows I need it these days).

    She LOVES books. I find myself having to buy new ones because I'm so sick of reading all of her other ones over and over and over again. She'll grab one, bring it to me, say "Book!" and then sit herself ever so comfortably in my lap. When it's done, the process starts over again.

    I picked up some flashcards at Target's dollar spot and she loves them. She can pick out a majority of the pictures already: cat, dog, zebra, alligator, turtle, ball, heart, horse, pig, lamb, apple, elephant... the list goes on and on.  Some of her other everyday words include: milk, cracker, bye, hi, baby, ball, banana (but said "nana"), book, flower, hat, help, up, down, dog, cat, daddy, mama, nana, papa, bauer and moose. Everyday I find her saying a new word so I know that this list doesn't show all my pumkin has to offer.

    Liana weighs about 24 lbs these days and probably measures about 32 or 33 inches tall at this point. She's a tall skinny thing, that's for sure! She runs like it's her job and now loves to run away from me when I ask her to "come here". Better yet, she has this grin that she gets when she knows she's doing something she's not supposed to do (yep, I'm going to have my hands full!) and she gives me the look of, "See what I'm doing Mom? Are you going to try and stop me?"

    It makes me cringe just to think about it.

    She wants to be held all the time... not because she wants to be close to you, but simply because she wants to see the world from your perspective (and your height). This makes it quite difficult to get much done... like vacuuming or making dinner... which I'll use as the excuse for never doing these things. ;)

    She's suddenly become quite the little monkey... climbing onto the furniture (which she loves to jump on), the end tables, up and down the stairs. If you pick her up when she doesn't want you to, she sticks her feet out and puts them on your chest. My little acrobat. :)

    (I swear, after 15 months of bliss, just thinking about these things makes me want to run for the hills sometimes!! My mother always said she wanted me to have a child that would give me the paybacks I deserve for being such a difficult baby/child... well, she may have gotten her way after all. Damn.)

    Sixteen months is about independence for Liana and exhaustion for her mama. I simply can't keep up. I'm beginning to realize how long my 5 day stretch at home is and how I desperately need more structure to my life.

    But even though I'm exhausted and worn, this kid lights up my life. She's still pretty bubbly with just a smidge of attitude. I get so excited when she learns something new and you can see the pride she takes in learning new things. At least once a day I tell her how she's going to be "super smart like her daddy" and I can't tell you how happy that makes me.












    This little peanut still amazes me every day and I'm excited to see what 17 months brings. :)

Monday, 16 August 2010

  • I'm back!

    Well, after a nearly 2 month hiatus... my longest ever... I'm back.

    There were a number of reasons for my lack of blogs over these past few months but namely, I just didn't want to be a debbie downer. During my job search, there were many moments of great faith but also a few moments of great sorrow because I was really angry at SHH for "escorting me out the door" (well, that's what it felt like they were doing anyways.). I didn't want to complain to the world more than I already had, so I decided to just stop my updates temporarily.

    But now, now I'm back. Things are good and I have my good news to share: SHH didn't end up "escorting" me out the door after all. In fact, they came through for me in a "large and in charge" way by offering me a 20 hr per week position that allows me to carry a caseload in our northern territory (likely the Greenville area). While there's no set time on when I'll transition off of weekends (I can't do so until a replacement for my weekend shift is hired), I'm okay with that. It gives us an opportunity to save up some $$ as I'll be taking one serious paycut. But I know it'll be worth it and I'm so thankful to have been given this opportunity.

    Thank God for my job hunt finally being over!! I must say that I had many opportunities along the way, but I heard God telling me with each one of them to wait it out because something better would come along. Sure enough, it came down to the wire but I had this and another wonderful prospect right at the very end. Because of the benefits involved with this position though and the fact that I already loved the people I worked with, I decided to stay put. Life feels good and after months of stress, I feel like my professional life is once again settled.

    So, that's my update on that. However, the main reason I decided to blog tonight is because I need an outlet. I'm struggling.

    Yesterday was another rough day at work. Five of my six visits throughout the day were fine.... nothing out of the ordinary. However, that sixth visit was a tough one... a thirty-something year old with brain cancer. A young wife and young children.

    I always struggle with leaving those cases behind at the end of the day. I've got pretty good boundaries when it comes to taking my emotions home with me... however, these are the cases that really leave a mark on my heart.

    I've spent the last 24 hours thinking about this family. About how within the next few weeks, this wife will be losing her husband.  How just a few years ago, he seemed perfectly healthy. How this could so easily be me or someone I love.

    I struggle with the question of "Why?". I don't understand how there could be any better place for this man than with his wife and young children. I don't understand what meaning God could find for his life that was more important than letting these kids know their dad.

    I look at Liana differently when I have young patients like this. I think to myself, "What if Mike weren't here to help me? What if she grew up not knowing her daddy? How could I ever make that loss feel okay for her?"

    I look at Mike differently too. And without doubt, I hold him a little tighter and love him a lot more. After visits like that one, we have discussions that include the words, "If something happens to me, I want you to find someone who loves Liana more than I do and marry her. And I don't care who that might be as long as she meets the criteria."

    Morbid? Maybe. But I don't want him to wonder. I want him to know that more than anything, I wanted them to be happy. Even if that's without me. As terrifying as that is to say.

    I pray a little harder. "Lord, please do your best to keep us healthy and protect us from danger."

    I'm really good at my job 98% of the time. But when visits like this come across my lap, my emotions become involved. Transference sets in. I have a harder time letting go, even if I've only met that family once. I put myself in their shoes and I feel what I'm sure is only a morsel of the pain they're feeling, though it still weighs heavily on my heart. (However, I must also say that I would never let my feelings affect my judgment or interaction with the family as I'm there to support them. And that boundary is one that I'm always keenly aware of.)

    I guess the moral of this story of mine is this: There are times where my job makes me question everything I believe. There are moments I become angry at God and ask him why He feels that a person's time is up when it seems to me that they have so much yet to live for. There are brief minutes where I wish I had a job that didn't force the harsh reality of life in my face quite so often and that my biggest concern was meeting a deadline.

    But, this is my life. I chose to do this line of work and I still choose it. It's hard and painful at times. But it's also very rewarding because I get to support a person during the most difficult moments of their lives.

    That being said, I still think we should all live until we have wrinkles, have watched our children grow and walked them down the aisle on their wedding day. And it makes my heart hurt knowing that not everyone gets the chances to do these things...



Friday, 28 May 2010

  • two years? really?

    I realized today that my blog is officially 2 years old. To celebrate, I've gone through my old posts and chosen my favorites. So check them out! In the "Top Tags" box to the right of the screen click on the link "my favorite entries" and take a walk down memory lane with me. There's some good, some bad, but all are just plain memorable moments in the life of Haley. :)

hazeymae

  • Visit hazeymae's Xanga Site
    • Name: Haley
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 5/26/2008

About Me

  • I love my husband. My daughter. My dogs. My friends. My family. More than anything else in the world. I want to make a difference. Help people get through the most trying times in their lives. That's why I went to school for 7 years to get my Masters degree in Social Work. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'll tell you anything you want to know... you just have to ask.